Changing my outlook

Changing my outlook one step at a time. This is what I have been working on over the past year and a half.

If you are new to the blog you can read a little bit about my ongoing struggle with depression-Hello, It’s Me, Depression. I have struggled with depression in various forms since my early 20’s. No one ever imagines that this will be the path that their life will take but for me these were the cards that I was dealt.

I don’t want depression to be what defines me but it is just a part of me. Since my last update about this (it’s been awhile), I have had some major life changes . . .mainly I got divorced. I was already in recovery from a major depressive episode when this all came about. It rocked my world. You never imagine that your life will get essentially turned upside down and that you will have to rebuild yourself from the ground up, a process that I was already working on making this extra hard. Between the major depressive episode and the divorce I felt shaken to my core, shell shocked.

What I realized in all of this is that this was the time to lean on others. I couldn’t go through any of this alone. In the past I never let anyone in on the inner turmoil and the struggles that I was going through. I got really good at hiding everything which is one reason that the depression got so severe. I got really good at isolating myself emotionally. In order to get myself into a better place now I would have to allow myself to feel the pain. I would have to recognize that my pain was out in the open for all to see. I would have to accept the changes in my life as my new reality. There was no hiding from the truth of the fact that my marriage had ended and that I was in recovery from a major depressive episode. I needed to own it.

Over the past year and a half I have been relying on a team of doctors . . . a psychiatrist and a psychologist who have given me the support that I needed and the open venue to talk about anything and everything. I see them at regular intervals in order to make sure that my depression recovery continues to move in a positive direction. I have also had to lean on friends, to openly share the difficulty of divorce and depression. I have had to learn to be ok with having those hard conversations telling people that my marriage had ended or sharing with them what I had been going through with depression treatments. What I have discovered is that the more open I am, the more accepting that I have become with where I am in life. The more I make myself vulnerable the more connections I build with others. I have made great steps towards recognizing my new reality. I have found new strength inside myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Through putting myself out there in building new relationships and working to strengthen other relationships. I am beginning to see everything through a different lens. I am feeling less alone when I am alone. I am feeling stronger and more capable of moving forward.

I am done hiding. This is me. Out in the open. I want to find the person that I lost so long ago. The one who was so care free. I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to share everything with you. I want to be there when you need it. I want to motivate you. I want to inspire you. I want to take chances at happiness. I want to live my life fully.

Thank you for letting me share a window into my life.